Funeral Watch

David Paterson, briefly mistaken for a governor, will be occupying his fantasy job for mere hours, according to smoke signals emerging from the non-stop meetings among his friends and (remaining) staff. My bet is that Paterson is getting ready for a very long weekend as the non-stop scandals keep popping out like reruns of Janet Jackson’s boob misfunction.

His press spokesperson, Peter Kauffmann, quit yesterday with a few devastating comments about ‘integrity’. You do not need a decoder ring to translate this one, i.e. ‘My boss has been lying to you, and I’m done fronting for him’.

Meanwhile, the Harlem Democratic machine is lamenting the fall of Charlie Rangel from his powerful tax-writing committee chairmanship, toppled by the metastasizing pile of toxic sleaze he created over the years. Predictably, there is some whining about the race factor and complaints that the white guys always get away with it.

My personal answer to that complaint is, If you know the system is stacked against you, DON’T BE CORRUPT! Is this rocket science? If the Times and the right-wing loonies are just looking for reasons to undermine black elected officials with racist attacks, why alter a receipt for a bagel and claim a $177 reimbursement like City Councilman Seabrook allegedly did?

Why take advantage of your clout to get four rent-controlled apartments in a city where fights over real estate constitute grounds for justifiable homicide?

Why fly to the Caribbean on lobbyist dimes when you can perfectly well pay your own way?

Why hustle contributions from interested parties for your ego-driven eponymous academic institute at a local college? Don’t you feel important enough after four decades in Congress, or do you absolutely have to have statues built to your greatness?

Why extort free tickets to sporting events from teams begging you for tax breaks?

Why build a career on the issue of domestic violence and then make a serial wife-beater your principal advisor?

If the racist press is just looking for reasons to undermine you, why call up his latest victim and get her to back off? Did you think they wouldn’t find out? Your predecessor thought so too (the one now spending his days reviewing brochures for sex-addiction rehab facilities).

Why sail into a meeting of the Public Integrity Commission--an outfit with which you have publicly feuded--and spin tales so tall that it could write in an official report that there was ‘reasonable cause to believe that the governor falsely testified under oath’.

In short, if you know how unfair the system is, why provide them with arsenals full of live ammunition?