In the spirit of modern Christianity as practiced by the Iowan evangelicals, I celebrate herewith the personal suffering of the losers in yesterday’s caucuses.
To Michele Bachmann: HA HA HA, your religious nutcake friends don’t want to be led by a woman because they’re patriarchal assholes. You didn’t realize that? Go read the Bible again while standing in a corner with your head covered.
To (Williard) ‘Mitt’ Romney: HA HA HA, even putting a hippish, informal-sounding name on your ballot line instead of the creaky, doofus handle your parents gave you didn’t help. You’re a big phony and so transparently insincere that even these Iowa rubes want to puke on your face. You’ll eventually become the nominee and wish you hadn’t.
To Rick Perry: HA HA HA, Texas bullshit doesn’t export very well. It’s okay to be a big dumb fuck down in that windswept prairie and let the barbecue sauce run down your string tie, but on the national stage you have to know where to find China on a map. Maybe Sarah Palin will invite you onto her reality show to joke-hump an ibex. (Because we know a little something about your personal life, don’t we? but now it’s safe because you’re a nobody again.)
To Rick Santorum: HA HA HA, enjoy it while it lasts because your timing was accidentally brilliant, and no one knows what a dope you are. Yet. Soon they will, and you will join the ranks of the Great GOP Losers’ Circus toot sweet.
To Ron Paul: HA HA HA, you sounded almost like a Czech dissident standing next to that collection of retards, but attracting attention now means you have to explain the neo-nazis doing your canvassing. But hey, legalizing drugs and abolishing the central bank is a winning strategy for the Christian Plutocrat Party, go for it!
To John Huntsman: HA HA HA, 1% in Iowa, even Sarah Palin did better than that while making millions of dollars not campaigning for anything. You didn’t get the memo about sanity being grounds for disqualification? Oh well, it’s in the mail.
To: Newt Gingrich: HA HA HA, you came in fourth because big, nasty Mitt’s secret PACs threw a shit-silo at you anonymously, awww, poor widdle booboo. Your policy of dismantling public campaign financing ended up exposing your pyramids of pseudo-intellectual pud-slapping, dat is so mean!
To Herman Cain: HA HA HA, that’s me laughing at you because you are a laughingstock and a pompous fool. You didn’t even last long enough to be on the ballot! You are a historic failure, 999%! Go put your hand up a hooker’s panties—but now you’ll have to pay her.
This year will be hell, but at least all of you except one gets to lose. That is some slight consolation.