Torture Glen Beck

I am forced to concede that I was wrong on the torture issue—the talk-show pundits have convinced me that, yes, we do need to do everything possible to assure that Americans are safe from future terrorist crimes.

I have serious moral qualms about inflicting agonizing pain on another human being. However, as George Will stated Sunday, ‘intelligent people of good will’ will agree that the president must do whatever he deems necessary to defend our country.

That is why with a heavy heart I have concluded that we have no choice but to immediately seize Glen Beck and proceed to interrogate him in an ‘enhanced’ fashion.

It is an unfortunate fact that after 4/19—yesterday was the Oklahoma City bombing anniversary in case you missed it—we are at risk more than ever from vicious, terroristic assaults on Americans employed on federal government property, putting innocent lives at risk. There’s a pretty good chance that someone as openly hostile to America as Beck knows about what plans are being cooked up at this time to repeat that infamy and kill more Americans.

So I don’t see any way around the necessity of biting the bullet and putting to use some of the ‘alternative interrogation procedures’ that former Vice President Cheney knows helped to head off crimes during the seven peaceful years we enjoyed under the Bush Administration—before Obama put us all at risk by pulling back from these essential tactics.

I think it would be perfectly humane to start out by placing a large plastic brace around Mr Beck’s neck and carefully slamming his head against the wall of his cell. As Brit Hume of Fox News pointed out on a Sunday talk show, ‘It’s a soft wall that gives way. I’m not at all sure that’s torture’.

Doh! Of course it isn’t, but that technical term hardly matters when we’re talking about American lives. I think it’s way past time to give Mr Beck this incentive to come clean before it’s too late, and bombs are going off all over the place.

As a ‘high-value’ detainee, Mr Beck would be expected to attempt to resist sharing the information he has most likely collected in his role as a public mouthpiece for extremist groups. He may even attempt to confuse interrogators by pretending to cooperate or sending them astray with false information.

But I suspect a few days hung by his wrists in a ‘stress position’ aided by the removal of his clothes, freezing temperatures and blaring rock music, accompanied by frequent inspection visits from female guards, might give him a thing or two to think about. In all fairness these loyal women serving their country should be given access to PTSD specialists after performing that operation.

I know, some namby-pamby Chardonnay-drinkers will complain that Beck might be completely innocent. Okay fine, you tell me you’re ready to have innocent Americans receiving anthrax-laced envelopes and drinking from poisoned wells! Heaven forbid we should violate the precious rights of criminals and terrorist sympathizers. Gimme a break, you scum!

Anyway, I think all this panty-twisting about people being tortured is way exaggerated. I mean, just read the big-deal secret memos—it’s all laid out there with careful guidelines so that no one goes overboard with the waterboard, heh heh. It’s like getting a blast from a squirt gun—get over it!

Anyway, our country doesn’t ‘torture’ anyone and never has. Anyone who has nothing to hide has nothing to fear. Including Glen Beck.