Back down on all fours, please!

So the celebrated ‘Lucy’ is now outranked as our true ancestor by ‘Ardi’ who strolled the primeval forests bipedally a million years earlier, around 4,000,000 B.C. A drop in the bucket in geologic terms, but still awe-inspiring, even terrifying, to think of a few intrepid primates sallying forth on their hind legs. Had they any idea what they were unleashing?

Rather than ‘Ardi’, I’d call the Ardipithecus ramidus specimen ‘Bippy’ to celebrate the advent of bipedalism or ‘Balanchine’ since the lady made ballet dancing possible. And I love the explanation that less brutish and warlike representatives of the evolving simian bipeds won selective advantages over the chest-beaters by freeing their front paws to carry seductive quantities of food to ovulating females.

Similarly, the experts suggest that it was through smarts rather than brawn that Homo sapiens sapiens triumphed over Homo sapiens neanderthalensis although I wonder if we should revisit that conclusion given recent evidence. Speaking of which, it was refreshing to hear Alan Grayson, a freshman congressman from Florida, take an unapologetic dump on the tea-bagger party by calling Republicans ‘knuckle-dragging Neanderthals’ on Wolf Blitzer last night while the assembled gang of Beltway-consensus wankers blathered on about playing nice as if the entire country had been in a coma since June.

One notorious side-effect of all this biped craftiness, however, is the apparently genetic conviction of our fellow creatures that they can scam, con, hustle, cheat, double-deal and shake down others who are too slow to notice. Today’s New York Times is a remarkable document in that respect. Here is the line-up from the state and local section alone:

Farideh Tabaei indicted for extorting kickbacks from suppliers in exchange for contracts at Bellevue Hospital where she earned $199,000 a year as senior executive director for facilities management.

NYPD launches an investigation of a fatal DWI involving a fellow officer to see whether they tried to cover it up.

James Sutera indicted for perjury in an ongoing probe of the Waterfront Commission, formed to clean up the mob-linked corruption in that sphere (tee hee).

Career criminal Ronald Tackman waltzes out of a city courtroon in a three-piece suit after convincing a guard he was a lawyer rather than a prisoner.

State Senator Hiram Monserrate’s girlfriend attempts to absolve him of slashing her in the face with glass during his assault trial.

Compared with all that, Governor-of-Record Paterson’s promise to beat Giuliani in next year’s election looks downright benign. The poor man is not a hustler, merely deluded.