Crime & Punishment

Here’s what the underage texters jailed for four years in Britain for promoting riots on Facebook SHOULD have been texting:

‘Blimey, I woke up pitching a tent this morning, I need a million pounds quick. Let’s go defraud some pathetic Paki out of his life savings’.

‘Nang, bro! I’m in. Any penny stocks to flog to a dumb-ass pensioner? I’ve nicked the seniors list from the town council, there’s a shed load of old geezers around so senile, they’re ripe as shagbags for a poke’.

‘Dog’s bollocks! We’ll peddle lots of P.O.S. to them, then arb a half-million moves by lunchtime!’

‘Piece of piss! My new algorhythms are mega’.

‘You’re pulling my damn plonker! How’d ya nab off with it?’

‘I’ve got a bloke at Barclays, kabish?’

‘Nosh on me nadgers, that fuckwit’s thick as shit in the neck of a bottle, wouldn’t trust him to float an air biscuit’.

‘FOAD, unbeliever. I’ll make a dozen monkeys without any feeble wankers muckin in then. Hang with Rosie Palm and her five daughters if y’d ruther’.

‘Don’t get jarred up, mate, keep your hair on. I’ll be down at the sausage fest, save me a place, I’m still in my scuds’.

‘Clean the shit from your rocking horse, and get over here, you knuckle shuffler’.

‘Hey, I know my onions when it comes to selling knocking shops to nuns, how do you think I aced all my accounting finals?’

Had they merely engaged in this sort of harmless banter over their plans to defraud the downtrodden, the spotty lads would not be facing jail time at all. In fact, they’d probably be hailed as promising potential Masters of the Universe and pulled in offers from Bank of America and AIG. Instead, this is what happened, according to The Guardian:

Sutcliffe-Keenan, 22, used his Facebook account in the early hours of 9 August to design a web page titled The Warrington Riots. The court was told it caused a wave of panic in the town. When he woke up the next morning with a hangover, he removed the page and apologised, saying it had been a joke. His message was distributed to 400 Facebook contacts, but no rioting broke out as a result.

No, rioting did not break out over the joke. I suppose it would be too much to hope that this sentence results in some.