Save us

The mystery of South Carolina deepens even while the decision to renew the attack on Fort Sumter attracts a broad consensus among its white citizenry.

Federal government taken over by socialist Muslims—check.

Welfare queens still getting a free ride on taxpayers’ back—check.

Military strength undermined by Arab-loving anti-Semitic forces disloyal to Israel—check.

Belief in God under assault by secular baby-killers and homos—check.

Federal government to take honest workers’ pay to pay for socialized medicine—check.

National budget on verge of collapse due to tax-and-spend Democrats—check.

Economy run into the ground by enemies of free enterprise—check.

So with all these facts so clear, why is it that the Republicans have put on such a remarkably fickle display? Why do their love affairs with candidates explode faster than a Kardashian matrimony?

And why, oh Knower of All Mysteries, can Newt Gingrich still exist at all, much less be poised to win today’s primary (according to Nate Silver, who should know)?

Bachmann, Perry, Cain, Gingrich, Santorum, Gingrich redux—why can none of these figures, all spouting roughly equal amounts of bizarre and meaningless rhetoric, win the hearts of the inflamed GOP masses? Smarter people than I have tried to provide an answer and failed.

However, Gingrich the Undead provides one possible hint: he arises like Prince Vlad to feed on anything human. The zombie party needs BRAINS just as the Vampire Lestadt requires a pint of AB-positive. Gingrich’s facile blathering softens up the enemy’s tissue and prepares it for quick consumption.

In addition, his permanent posture of aggrieved nastiness fits the culture of a society that has lost its moral compass, celebrating aggressive war for conquest and institutionalized torture in exchange for the will-o’-the-wisp of Safety.

Like an addict whose life is falling apart, the punch-drunk whites of South Carolina cast about wildly to find scapegoats upon whom to place the blame for the daily and accelerating chaos, instead of examining the three decades of Reaganite illusion that generated it. If they manage to lose in November, an election that was theirs for the asking had they exercised a minimum of self-control, a new enemy will need to be invented.

By then, after being browbeaten relentlessly with televised bile, mass disgust with what passes for ‘politics’ will be at the boiling point.

I’d rather not think about what they will clamor for next.