February 8: Bernie Sanders notches solid victory in the New Hampshire primary; Biden is fifth behind Amy Klobuchar and applies to Citibank for a campaign “bridge loan.” “I will certainly pay you back with two hamburgers tomorrow,” quips the flailing candidate while tousling the hair of two female loan officers.
February 9: Tesla stock recovers from sudden plunge to post a new record of $1200 a share. Elon Musk promises that the company will turn a profit early in President Biden’s second term.
February 14: Buttigieg campaign storms South Carolina where hundreds of Bubbas gather to greet the homosexual Rhodes scholar at a mass kegger before the classic Clemson-USC basketball game. Shouts of “Peter! Peter!” ring out at the tailgate party. Mayor Pete charms the crowd with a Norwegian folk tale in the original language.
February 14: Dow Jones cracks the magical 30,000-point barrier after Trump threatens to lock Fed chief Jerome Powell in a White House basement if he doesn’t lower interest rates. “We’ll show Jerry a Foggy Bottom over here,” says Trump, later mocks reporters for taking him seriously.
February 20: Michael Bloomberg buys another $1 billion worth of TV and radio ads in the Super Tuesday states, hires 1000 unemployed teens to distribute primary day swag bags in African-American neighborhoods. Despite the expenditure, his personal fortune rises to $65 billion on booming stock market values.
February 22: Nevada caucuses interrupted by freak sandstorm, hundreds of caucus cards are blown into the desert. Nevada Democratic Committee mobilizes schoolchildren to chase them down @ 50 cents each. Partial results expected after Super Tuesday. Bernie supporters denounce fraud; Hillary Clinton condemns Bernie supporters for their “typical male attitudes towards Mother Nature.”
February 26: Amy Klobuchar fails to show up for a South Carolina rally, is later discovered getting hammered with the New York Times editorial board. Denies knocking her chief of staff unconscious with an electric pencil sharpener.
February 29: Bernie Sanders surges to overcome Biden’s 40-point lead in the polls and win the South Carolina primary. DNC declares emergency and mobilizes to “avert disaster,” asks Bloomberg for leftover swag.
March 1: Elizabeth Warren surrogates suggest forging a Buttigieg-Warren “gender emancipation” alliance to counteract the meanie bro culture dominating the primary season. Joy Reid of The View says the gesture “shows how the power of pronouns can rebalance income redistribution.” Klobuchar chief of staff regains consciousness.
March 4: Super Tuesday. Sanders notches victories in, California, Colorado, Maine, Utah, and Vermont. CNN explodes with wall-to-wall coverage of “massive Bloomberg surge” with firsts in Virginia, Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, and Tennessee, calls race “wide open.” Buttigieg, Warren, and Klobuchar alternate for third. Results from Minnesota, Oklahoma, and Texas are delayed due to computer glitches; DNC appoints special emergency panel to oversee the disrupted primaries comprised of Caroline Kennedy, Chelsea Clinton, and Ghislaine Maxwell at a news conference headlined “Believe Women.” Warren takes first in Massachusetts, says Bloomberg was “a daring, innovative mayor.”
March 10: Sanders and Bloomberg split a second set of delegate-rich primaries, Sanders winning Michigan and Washington, Bloomberg victorious in Missouri, North Dakota, and Mississippi. Idaho ballot marking devices investigated after showing a late surge for Deval Patrick, who was not on the ballot. DNC announces full investigation of the anomaly.
March 14: Biden wins Northern Mariana Islands caucus, decides to stay.
April 4: Early Wyoming caucus totals favor Bernie but are later recalculated to award all 14 delegates to Amy Klobuchar. Trump attributes Klobuchar victory to the “advantage of coming from a neighboring state.” Meanwhile, all Alaska primary results arrive via dogsled within twelve hours of polls closing. DNC announces launch of a three-year study of the successful Alaskan procedure “to inform our 2024 primary season.”
April 4: Bloomberg nails huge Louisiana primary victory after sponsoring a week-long riverboat cruise with the entire state legislature and the New Orleans Saints cheerleading squad.
April 7: Wisconsin primary voting continues past 4:00 a.m. as all voters must present voter registration cards, driver licenses, birth certificates, a utility bill, first and last month’s rent, and three witnesses to their good character.
April 28: Bloomberg buys up all scheduled programming on broadcast media in the eastern seaboard in advance of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, New York, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island primaries; wins the votes, but GDP takes massive hit as voters flock to movie theatres during working hours.
May 2: Biden wins Guam caucus, decides to leaves Northern Marianas. Kansas primary results knocked offline by a tornado hitting computer server. DNC announces investigation.
May 12: Bernie again takes 52 of 55 West Virginia counties; arcane DNC rules lead to majority of delegates awarded to Tom Steyer.
June 6: Virgin Islands caucuses disrupted by crazed infiltrator wearing Bernie gear, later identified as David Frum in disguise.
June 7: Sanders wins Puerto Rico primary; Trump attempts to revoke Puerto Ricans’ citizenship.
July 13 – 16: Sanders enters Democratic National Convention in Milwaukee with 48% of delegates needed to win the nomination; 8% are disqualified because their middle initials are not listed on their voter registrations. Another 4% fall ill from food poisoning. Bloomberg elected on second ballot with support from also-rans and superdelegates. Amy Klobuchar named running mate. Bloomberg heard calling her “Abby” by mistake. Joy Reid praises Bloomberg’s choice and “long history of support for women.”
August 24 – 27: Trump nominated by acclamation at the Republican National Convention in Charlotte, delivers acceptance speech while simultaneously marrying fourth wife. Christian Coalition announces the introduction of sainthood among Protestant denominations.
November 3, 2020: Michael Bloomberg elected president, appoints Bernie Sanders Secretary of Health and Human Welfare in preparation for universal, government-funded healthcare “because I said so.” Calls congressional leaders to his office and threatens to drop $100 million each on their primary opponents if anyone votes no. “Aetna can suck me,” says the president-elect.
November 4: President Trump declares the election fraudulent, refuses to leave office. Joint Chiefs of Staff arrive at White House meeting with National Security Council in M1 Abrams tanks. DNC cheers defense of democracy, asks them to station vehicles permanently in Lafayette Park.
January 20, 2021: Bloomberg sworn in. Personal fortune reaches $85 billion.
2 comments:
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Priceless!
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